Losing Me Email

I got this on May 6th:

Dear Account User

Why so formal? Call me Edward. Or Ted. Or Teddy-baby, if you like.

This Email is from Hotmail Customer Care and we are sending it to all our Accounts User Owner for safety.

"Accounts User Owner"? Huh? Is that a real word/term?

I guess it is. I mean this is a real email from Hotmail Customer Care and all, so it must be a real term. Gosh, I'm a "Accounts User Owner" and I never knew it. That would look awesome on a nameplate on my desk, that would.

we are having congestions

Oh, I feel your pain, man. I really do. I had 'congestions' myself a few weeks back. Was stuck n the loo for hours, I was. Ended up having to stick my finger up my whotsit to get things moving again. Not a fun-filled Saturday Night I can tell you. My Blind Date certainly wasn't amused and kept asking if she could go home. Or, at the very least, leave the bathroom.

So, yeah, I do feel your pain. But I do have to wonder why you are telling me this? Out of the blue and all. Seeing as we are strangers...

due to the anonymous registration of our accounts so we are shutting down some accounts and your account was among those to be deleted. We are sending this email to you so that you can verify and let us know if you still want to use this account. If you are still interested please confirm your account by filling the space below after clicking the reply button.

'after' clicking the reply button, you say. So, you're assuming that I am a moron and know nothing about using email, then? "Honey, I've been typing for hours and nothing is appearing on the screen!" "Oh, you Silly! You have to hit the reply button first and then type your message." "Ah, yes, that makes sense. Gee, I wish they had explained that in the actual email. It would have saved me hours of fruitless typing."

Anyways...

'after' clicking the reply button, got ya. Pray continue....

Your User name, password, and your country information would be needed to verify your account.

* Username: ...............................
* Password: ..............................

Absolutely. You are a complete stranger to me and, of course, I have no problem sharing my password with you. Here it is.

* Date of Birth: .............................
* Country Or Territory: .................

It's definitely one of those, yes. A country or a territory...

After following the instructions in the sheet, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal. Thanks for your attention to this request.

Ooh, now I feel guilty. Cos, to be truthful, you've only been getting a modicum of my attention. I'm drinking tea and eating a scone here, plus bopping along to the new Pet Shop Boys album. So, you've got about 14% of my attention. Consequently, I will accept 14% of your Thanks. Seems about fair, that does.

We apologize for any inconveniences.

Multiple inconveniences? Why, what else have you planned for me? There's this here e-mail, right, that's - like - one. So there must be more coming. What? Have you gotten a dog to poop on my lawn or what? What? What?! Seriously, tell me...

Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update

So, let me get this straight: some people write back and flat out refuse to update their accounts with you? That is totally weird. I wonder why they would react that way.

his/her account

Well, there's your answer! If they don't know their own gender, how can they be expected to decided such matters as whether or not to maintain a Hotmail account. "Dear Hotmail Customer Care, I am having gender identity issues at the moment, so I refuse to update my/my account."

after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.

Again with the 'his or her' stuff! This gender-identity crisis is sweeping the country. Or territory.

Sincerely,
The Windows Live Hotmail

The Windows Live Hotmail... what?

Staff maybe?

Anyways, thank you for getting in touch. I hope your constipation clears up soon and your Accounts User Owners get their gender issues resolved.