Nice Litter Wot I got Cent to me

You, my many Internet Friends know me to be a man of great character and outstanding virtue. Of course you do.

However, it never ceases to amaze me how many complete and utter STRANGERS contact me on a regular basis, enlisting my aid in procuring large sums of money. Obviously, my reputation has spread far and wide. Why, only today, a "Mrs.Diana Holmes" got in touch.

Here is what she wrote:

From: Mrs.Diana Holmes
79 Kensington Court,
London, W8 5DL,
England.

I am Mrs. Diana Holmes, an English woman who is suffering from cancerous ailment.

Wow. Heavy introduction.

I am married to Sir Jim Holmes, who also is an Englishman though dead now.

Has this affected his citizenship, I wonder, or - indeed - your marriage?

My husband worked with the British Railways for over two decade before he cold hand of death took him away

Imagine how much more dramtic that would have been if you'd gotten all the spelling right!

on the 23rd of May 2007 at about 2:00AM.

Ah, good to know. It's always handy to know the exact time of death of random strangers. 2am, you say? Very good, very good, continue.

Our marriage lasted for over a decade with any any fruit of the womb.

Yuck! I really don't need that kind of icky talk, thank you very much. If I wanted that kind of filth I would have opened one of the porn emails I get every day.

My husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals.

Well that probably killed him, lifting all those down-trodden people. Some of them can be quite heavy, you know.

When my late husband was alive

Well... back then, he wasn't your "late husband" was he?

he deposited the sum of 10 Million (Ten Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling)with a Financial Firm. presently,this money is still with the Financial Firm in Europe.

Yes. Gringotts. I know it well.

Recently,my Doctor told me that I have a limited or numbered days on earth

"limited or numbered days" He gave you a choice?! Who is this guy?! Noel Edmunds?

and that my life span will not exceed 150 days

It IS Noel Edmunds!!! Are you waiting for a call from the Banker even as you type this letter (badly)?

due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

I took this decision

What decision?! The decision to write to me? What's wrong with writing to me? Why are people telling you not to write to me? Hey, is that why nobody writes to me anymore?

because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are bourgeois

Oh, yes, I hate people that are bourgeois. There was this guy in the supermarket today. Really got right on my tits, he did, going about being all bourgeois.

and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned money

He earned ten million working for British Rail??!! What was he? The guy who came along with the tea trolley? Those biscuits are very expensive - sure - but, really, who knew?

to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures.

Oh, yes, ill-fitting dentures are dreadful.

I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner

Neither do I. Much better that it be used on comics or DVDs. Send it to me. Thank you very much.

I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health

Well, no sick person should be allowed near a telephone. I agree.

and because of the presence of my husband' relatives around me. I do not want them to know about this development.

Obviously, secrecy is a big thing with you. You haven't even told me about this development yet!

As soon as I receive your reply,

Don't hold your breath!! (It might only lessen your already "limited or numbered days" on this earth.)

I shall arrange and send all neccassary details including the Financial Firm's contact,I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund.

Ah, I see. I have control of the money, then, do I? Nice. Didn't see that one coming.

Please,I beg you with all seriousness to help me collect the funds and use it accordingly as I have instructed.

What was that again? Something about lifting heavy poor people?

Use your judgment to distribute or use the money and keep 10% of it to yourself. Feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money for any cost you incur during the process of collecting and distributing the money, if you are honest and interested,Kindly send me:

What if I'm not honest or interested? What do I do then? Or how about honest and not interested? What then? What then?!!

1)YOUR FULL NAMES,
2)RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS,
3)AGE/SEX
4)TELEPHONE NUMBER
5)OCCUPATION
6)COUNTRY.

Hey, why didn't you put Age/Sex on seperate lines? Shouldn't you have done it that way? Made seven items on the list. C'mon, you just weren't thinking, were you?? That bugs me, that does. It would bug George & Jerry and it bugs me. Age and Sex should be on seperate lines!!

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a non-governmental,or a non religious, and or a non profit organization or better still an individual for this same purpose.

Non-Govermental, non-religious and non-profit? Hmmm. How about the Susan Ross Foundation?

For confidential reason,Kindly contact me through this email address:mrs_diana_holms7700@yahoo.com.hk

Please expedite action.

I sure will. What does "expediate" mean? I'm not sure, but I'll ask you whenever I get around to replying. Might take a while. Hope that's okay.

Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon ,

Greetings to you and members of your family.

"my family?" Yes, they are all well. Well, my brother bought an ass recently, but - really - what can you do? We just smile and say nothing.

I'll tell them you were asking for them. All the best now. Especially with that whole "limited or numbered days" thing. That really sucks, that does. I'd advice you to invest in spelling or grammar lessons, but it hardly seems worth it at this stage.

Mrs. Diana Holmes. (Benefactor)

Michael (bored while waiting for a DVD to copy)