Emails Sent To Me

Tanechka

2009-07-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

Good day, dear

"Good day, dear"? What does that mean? Are you calling me dear? Or did you leave a space for my name, planning to fill it in later, and totally forget. I hate when that happens.

The strongest emotion anybody can feel is Love.

Have you ever had really bad diarrhea? You know the kind I mean. Where you are pushing against the walls of the loo and screaming out "oh, momma" at the top of your lungs? Well, I reckon that's an even stronger emotion, but - hey - that's just me. Pray continue...

We don't know what love is but we know that we will happy in love with our beloved people. I would like to find a great companion, friend and lover

These are the three beloved people you mention, huh?

to share everything with. I balance my life well with work, fun and friends, and parents. I think I would be most compatible with someone who enjoys the outdoors. I hope he is strong, honest, and open-minded. Romance is important to me, I have a great sense of humor and a positive attitude about life. I'm looking for a person who possesses good qualities and chemistry...

...and lots of comic books? How do you feel about lots of comic books? I ask because... I have lots of comic books. It's not just an idle question. I really wanna know.

I am waiting for you http://www.blahblah.com/5678/

Gosh, how lovely. And I'd love to write back. Really, I would.

However, this is not the only piece of junk mail I got today. And one of the others says: "YouCanNow PermanentlyEnlarge YourManhood ForFree" which makes me feel that, um, well I must be lacking in certain departments. So, if you are patient, I'll see what I can do about my inadequacies and get back to you at some future date.

Waiting for your letter
Tanechka V.

"Tanechka"? Are you Welsh?

Prsident/Ceo

2009-05-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

Attn: Prsident/Ceo,

Cos, yeah, that's how you spell those...

My Dear,

Hold on! Hold on a cotten picking minute, there. You think I'm a "Prsident/Ceo" and you feel that "My Dear" is an appropriate opening line. Really? What would you do if we were face-to-face? Tongue-kiss me? C'mon, man, I'm as metro-sexual as the next guy, but I'm not sure we know each other well enough - yet - for you to be opening your letters with the whole "My Dear" stuff.

Just sayin'...

Anyway.

Continue...

REQUEST FOR YOUR HELP.

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me,

Okay.

I won't.

I promise.

In fact, I'll hold your email up as a source of ridicule and scorn in my blog. Is that better?

because, I believe everyone will die someday.

That's a pretty good belief. You could be on to something there...

My name is MR.JASSIM BEN a merchant in Iraq.I has been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment,

Defiled them, huh?

That's pretty rare, alright. Continue.

and right now I have only about a few months to live,

And you took the time to write to me?

Wow. Can't say I'd reciprocate if the situation was reversed. I think I'd be two towns over, trying to get this sexy brunette I know to let me bang her senseless, but, hey, who knows? Maybe I'd be off writing to random strangers...

according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself)

Meaning what exactly? You ate too much fried food and not enough fresh fruit? Explain yourself.

but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.

You sound like the life and soul of the party, mate. Why are you writing to me, exactly? Do you want me to write back and say you're a bit of prick? Because you sound it, to be honest.

But now I regret all this, as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia.

Really? What about Leitrim County Council?

Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money, which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan; they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore,

Family, huh? What can you do? I feel your pain. My idiot brother bought an ass last year. Yeah, he got flamin' drunk one night and paid a fortune for an old donkey. He says he will make a profit eventually, but I think it's pure daftness, I do.

Your family stole billions from you, my brother bought an ass. It's the exact same thing, mate, we are so on the same level here, I feel a real strong connection.

as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of TWENTY ONE MILLION DOLLARS

In capitals, I see. Nice touch. In case I would miss it, I suppose.

$21,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I have set aside 10% for you and for your time. You can also contact me on this email:address:privatejassim@sify.com

Private Jassim? Are you in the army?

God be with you.
MR.JASSIM BEN.

And with you, too, My Dear.

Lotery Win!!!!!!

2009-05-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

FROM THE MANAGEMENT DESK
UK Microsoft Email Lottery Award
United Kingdom.
Ref:742701AE
Batch:BTD/610/09
Date:09-05-09

As part of the growth of the largest internet company The prestigious Microsoft
has sent out and successfully organised a Sweepstakes which rolled out over
£100,000,000,00 . The selection
is being made through a computer draw system.

Your email address as indicated was drawn and attached to Ref:742701AE
Batch:BTD/610/09 which subsequently won you £1,000,000.00(One Million British
Pounds)

Oh, the irony! The bitter, bitter irony of it all.

The exact same email address that Hotmail wanted to delete on May 6th, has now gone and won me a bloody fortune! What are the chances of that? Probably like 400 to 1 or something crazy like that.

Anyway...

CONTACT YOUR PAY CENTRE AGENT FOR GUIDE

My what for what, now?

MR ANDY JOHNSON

Right. Him. He sounds Welsh. I bet he's Welsh with a name like that.

CLAIMS AGENT

I thought he was a PAY CENTRE AGENT? Does he have two jobs?

MICROSOFT EMAIL LOTTERY AWARD
E-MAIL:msoftagentandy1@btinternet.com

Hold on. Hold on! Hold on! He works for Hotmail and he doesn't have a hotmail account himself. What kind of bastard is he, anyway, this Welsh guy? That's a piss-poor example of company loyalty... Sure, Hotmail signs his paycheck every week, but when it comes times to use e-mail himself he refuses their wonderful free service and opts for someone else instead. Fire his sorry ass, that's what I say. Send him back to the coal mines...

Full Names________Country___________Home Address_______
Occupation___________Age_______
Phone___________Gender____________
Sincerely,
MICROSOFT AWARD (P.R.O) UK.

Well, this is exciting. I'll immediately fill out all of this crap and get right back to them. The money I got from Diana Holmes last year is starting to run dry at this stage and I could do with One Million British Pounds.

Where is 'British' anyway? Is it near Swedish, I wonder?

Losing Me Email

2009-05-11T16:08:00.001-07:00

I got this on May 6th:

Dear Account User

Why so formal? Call me Edward. Or Ted. Or Teddy-baby, if you like.

This Email is from Hotmail Customer Care and we are sending it to all our Accounts User Owner for safety.

"Accounts User Owner"? Huh? Is that a real word/term?

I guess it is. I mean this is a real email from Hotmail Customer Care and all, so it must be a real term. Gosh, I'm a "Accounts User Owner" and I never knew it. That would look awesome on a nameplate on my desk, that would.

we are having congestions

Oh, I feel your pain, man. I really do. I had 'congestions' myself a few weeks back. Was stuck n the loo for hours, I was. Ended up having to stick my finger up my whotsit to get things moving again. Not a fun-filled Saturday Night I can tell you. My Blind Date certainly wasn't amused and kept asking if she could go home. Or, at the very least, leave the bathroom.

So, yeah, I do feel your pain. But I do have to wonder why you are telling me this? Out of the blue and all. Seeing as we are strangers...

due to the anonymous registration of our accounts so we are shutting down some accounts and your account was among those to be deleted. We are sending this email to you so that you can verify and let us know if you still want to use this account. If you are still interested please confirm your account by filling the space below after clicking the reply button.

'after' clicking the reply button, you say. So, you're assuming that I am a moron and know nothing about using email, then? "Honey, I've been typing for hours and nothing is appearing on the screen!" "Oh, you Silly! You have to hit the reply button first and then type your message." "Ah, yes, that makes sense. Gee, I wish they had explained that in the actual email. It would have saved me hours of fruitless typing."

Anyways...

'after' clicking the reply button, got ya. Pray continue....

Your User name, password, and your country information would be needed to verify your account.

* Username: ...............................
* Password: ..............................

Absolutely. You are a complete stranger to me and, of course, I have no problem sharing my password with you. Here it is.

* Date of Birth: .............................
* Country Or Territory: .................

It's definitely one of those, yes. A country or a territory...

After following the instructions in the sheet, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal. Thanks for your attention to this request.

Ooh, now I feel guilty. Cos, to be truthful, you've only been getting a modicum of my attention. I'm drinking tea and eating a scone here, plus bopping along to the new Pet Shop Boys album. So, you've got about 14% of my attention. Consequently, I will accept 14% of your Thanks. Seems about fair, that does.

We apologize for any inconveniences.

Multiple inconveniences? Why, what else have you planned for me? There's this here e-mail, right, that's - like - one. So there must be more coming. What? Have you gotten a dog to poop on my lawn or what? What? What?! Seriously, tell me...

Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update

So, let me get this straight: some people write back and flat out refuse to update their accounts with you? That is totally weird. I wonder why they would react that way.

his/her account

Well, there's your answer! If they don't know their own gender, how can they be expected to decided such matters as whether or not to maintain a Hotmail account. "Dear Hotmail Customer Care, I am having gender identity issues at the moment, so I refuse to update my/my account."

after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.

Again with the 'his or her' stuff! This gender-identity crisis is sweeping the country. Or territory.

Sincerely,
The Windows Live Hotmail

The Windows Live Hotmail... what?

Staff maybe?

Anyways, thank you for getting in touch. I hope your constipation clears up soon and your Accounts User Owners get their gender issues resolved.

Love Thru The Internet?

2009-05-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hey there sexy !!

How are you? I was just looking at your profile and loved what i was reading
i would really like to chat with you and have a chance to get to know you.
i am emailing you from my friends account as i was over at her house for the night but if
you like you can email me back and ill get back to you when i get home. When i get home
ill have my webcam so i can send you some pics . Bikini or Short Skirt?

my email address is sarah@datethanks.com

I notice that whenever I get an e-mail that starts "Hey there sexy !!" it always turns out to be junk mail.

Deep sigh.

As for this one, I'm not sure I'll bother answering her. Yes, I'd like to see her in a bikini or Short Short (question mark) and all, but let's face it: she misspelled "I'll" as "ill" which makes me sick. Or S'ick.

Also I'm a tad suspicious: Sarah may be after me for the money that Diana Holmes sent to me last year. (Man, I'm sure living it up on that cash, I can tell you.)

Nice Litter Wot I got Cent to me

2008-02-03T07:53:00.000-08:00

You, my many Internet Friends know me to be a man of great character and outstanding virtue. Of course you do.

However, it never ceases to amaze me how many complete and utter STRANGERS contact me on a regular basis, enlisting my aid in procuring large sums of money. Obviously, my reputation has spread far and wide. Why, only today, a "Mrs.Diana Holmes" got in touch.

Here is what she wrote:

From: Mrs.Diana Holmes
79 Kensington Court,
London, W8 5DL,
England.

I am Mrs. Diana Holmes, an English woman who is suffering from cancerous ailment.

Wow. Heavy introduction.

I am married to Sir Jim Holmes, who also is an Englishman though dead now.

Has this affected his citizenship, I wonder, or - indeed - your marriage?

My husband worked with the British Railways for over two decade before he cold hand of death took him away

Imagine how much more dramtic that would have been if you'd gotten all the spelling right!

on the 23rd of May 2007 at about 2:00AM.

Ah, good to know. It's always handy to know the exact time of death of random strangers. 2am, you say? Very good, very good, continue.

Our marriage lasted for over a decade with any any fruit of the womb.

Yuck! I really don't need that kind of icky talk, thank you very much. If I wanted that kind of filth I would have opened one of the porn emails I get every day.

My husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals.

Well that probably killed him, lifting all those down-trodden people. Some of them can be quite heavy, you know.

When my late husband was alive

Well... back then, he wasn't your "late husband" was he?

he deposited the sum of 10 Million (Ten Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling)with a Financial Firm. presently,this money is still with the Financial Firm in Europe.

Yes. Gringotts. I know it well.

Recently,my Doctor told me that I have a limited or numbered days on earth

"limited or numbered days" He gave you a choice?! Who is this guy?! Noel Edmunds?

and that my life span will not exceed 150 days

It IS Noel Edmunds!!! Are you waiting for a call from the Banker even as you type this letter (badly)?

due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

I took this decision

What decision?! The decision to write to me? What's wrong with writing to me? Why are people telling you not to write to me? Hey, is that why nobody writes to me anymore?

because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are bourgeois

Oh, yes, I hate people that are bourgeois. There was this guy in the supermarket today. Really got right on my tits, he did, going about being all bourgeois.

and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned money

He earned ten million working for British Rail??!! What was he? The guy who came along with the tea trolley? Those biscuits are very expensive - sure - but, really, who knew?

to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures.

Oh, yes, ill-fitting dentures are dreadful.

I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner

Neither do I. Much better that it be used on comics or DVDs. Send it to me. Thank you very much.

I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health

Well, no sick person should be allowed near a telephone. I agree.

and because of the presence of my husband' relatives around me. I do not want them to know about this development.

Obviously, secrecy is a big thing with you. You haven't even told me about this development yet!

As soon as I receive your reply,

Don't hold your breath!! (It might only lessen your already "limited or numbered days" on this earth.)

I shall arrange and send all neccassary details including the Financial Firm's contact,I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund.

Ah, I see. I have control of the money, then, do I? Nice. Didn't see that one coming.

Please,I beg you with all seriousness to help me collect the funds and use it accordingly as I have instructed.

What was that again? Something about lifting heavy poor people?

Use your judgment to distribute or use the money and keep 10% of it to yourself. Feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money for any cost you incur during the process of collecting and distributing the money, if you are honest and interested,Kindly send me:

What if I'm not honest or interested? What do I do then? Or how about honest and not interested? What then? What then?!!

1)YOUR FULL NAMES,
2)RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS,
3)AGE/SEX
4)TELEPHONE NUMBER
5)OCCUPATION
6)COUNTRY.

Hey, why didn't you put Age/Sex on seperate lines? Shouldn't you have done it that way? Made seven items on the list. C'mon, you just weren't thinking, were you?? That bugs me, that does. It would bug George & Jerry and it bugs me. Age and Sex should be on seperate lines!!

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a non-governmental,or a non religious, and or a non profit organization or better still an individual for this same purpose.

Non-Govermental, non-religious and non-profit? Hmmm. How about the Susan Ross Foundation?

For confidential reason,Kindly contact me through this email address:mrs_diana_holms7700@yahoo.com.hk

Please expedite action.

I sure will. What does "expediate" mean? I'm not sure, but I'll ask you whenever I get around to replying. Might take a while. Hope that's okay.

Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon ,

Greetings to you and members of your family.

"my family?" Yes, they are all well. Well, my brother bought an ass recently, but - really - what can you do? We just smile and say nothing.

I'll tell them you were asking for them. All the best now. Especially with that whole "limited or numbered days" thing. That really sucks, that does. I'd advice you to invest in spelling or grammar lessons, but it hardly seems worth it at this stage.

Mrs. Diana Holmes. (Benefactor)

Michael (bored while waiting for a DVD to copy)